HELPING CHILDREN ADJUST TO A NEW HOME
In York and Durham Regions, as elsewhere, summer is a popular time to move because it gives children time to make friends and get settled in before the new school year starts. This is an exciting change but can also come with a considerable amount of anxiety, whether you are a child or an adult. Most of us cling to the familiar and feel unbalanced for a little while when change is thrust upon us.
About one in four Canadians move into a new home each year. For most this is a time of bonding and reliance on other family members to pitch in. Once the excitement of the move has passed and the boxes are unpacked, we have time to reflect on the new state of affairs, and this is typically when feelings of anxiety may set in, especially for children.
They may fret about missing their friends and old routines. Some children may act out or express frustration with trying to find a place within a new peer group where they feel accepted and comfortable. If there are other circumstances such as a divorce or a death in the family which has led to the move, the anxiety can be compounded. The period needed to make the adjustment to a new home varies widely so don’t worry if it seems to be taking your child a little longer than expected.
Here are a few ideas to help you make the transition to a new home and neighbourhood easier for your children.
TALK
At the first opportunity after you have made the decision to move, open discussion with your children so they know that their feelings and thoughts are valued. Ask them questions about how they feel and what they might be confused or worried about.
BE ENCOURAGING
If you are cheerful about the move it will encourage a positive attitude in your child and help them to look forward to moving day.
INVOLVE YOUR CHILD
Get excited about the opportunity to change the way your child’s room is set up. Ask them what colours they would like to paint and if there is anything that they wished they had in their old room that you could get for the new room.
CHOOSE YOUR MOVING DAY CAREFULLY
This can be tough. If you are relocating for work, you may not have the luxury of choosing your moving time, but if you do, think about what time of year will work best for your family. Often the beginning of the school year is ideal because it is a new experience for all the neighbourhood children as they embark on a new school year. It is a time when new friendships are forged. There is also the possibility that your child will not be the only new one on the block.
Also, moving just before the beginning of the school year gives children plenty of time to bid farewell to their friends, especially if the move will take you far from your original neighbourhood, such as to a new town or province. Make sure you remind your child that just because they are moving doesn’t mean they have to lose touch with their old friends. In fact, you could make a project out of collecting addresses and phone numbers with your child. If circumstances permit, how about planning a house warming party for the kids, old and new?
ENCOURAGE NEW FRIENDSHIPS
When our youngest daughter was eleven, her grandparents moved away from the neighbourhood we had shared since she was an infant. At first, she was not happy that she wouldn’t get to see the friends from her grandparents’ old house but the very first Saturday afternoon we visited she took it upon herself to take action. We found her sitting on the driveway with a jigsaw puzzle. When we asked what she was up to she replied that she figured it was a good way to meet the kids on the street because they would be interested in what she was doing. Problem solved. Some children are naturally good at making friends and some need a little help. Why not arrange a barbeque or movie night to provide an opportunity for your children to meet the neighbours, and also for you to meet the parents! Community activities like baseball leagues and swimming lessons are also great ways to make the transition into a new community. Uxbridge and Upper York Region have plenty of community based opportunities to offer.
AFTER SCHOOL ACTIVITIES
Being involved in an after school program can go a long way to helping your child find their comfort zone. Encourage them to join a school group or team that interests them, whether it’s a chess league or basketball team. Your child will make new friends with similar interests and who knows, they may forge friendships that will last a lifetime!
IT’S OKAY TO FEEL ANXIOUS
Even the most confident child may feel apprehension at the time of a move. Remember that children have limited life experiences to draw on during this time. Allow them to express their worries and keep an open mind about what it must be like for them. Engage in light conversation about how things are going and ask open ended questions so your child feels comfortable letting it all out if needed. Make yourself available if your child needs to discuss concerns at a later time.
VISIT OR PHONE OLD FRIENDS
Moving away from old friends may make your child feel lonely. Make it less final for them by allowing them to visit or phone friends in your old neighbourhood.
BE VIGILANT
After a few months, if you notice that your child is withdrawn, behaving out of character, is not making friends or seems unhappy and despondent much of the time. In these circumstances, some children benefit from counselling either from a family doctor, a school guidance counsellor or if necessary a child and youth psychologist.
Generally, the younger the child, the more quickly they will adapt to new circumstances. Depending on the age of your child, a simple reassuring word from you that everything will be all right, that the teacher will be nice and that there are lots of nice children around to play with may be enough. If your child is closer to adolescence, you may be dealing with a more sophisticated situation requiring gentle understanding and empathy to help your child adjust. Teenagers’ lives revolve around their peer group and a major move can be very difficult for them to cope with. Lots of patience will be needed in this situation and it may take several months before your teenager is happy again.
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